1) There is always, always a stream of cars behind you.

2) You seldom look in your mirrors.

3) You’ve never used an indicator on a roundabout. What are they for?

4) You’re coming up to your eighth attempt to pass the driving test.

5) You get overtaken on the inside lane of the motorway. A lot.

6) Your car is covered in dents and scrapes.

7) When you’re about there are a lot of beeps and people waving their fists in your direction or making rude gestures with their hands.

8) Your engine makes weird noises of protestation and people look around a lot when you are doing slow manoeuvres and shout in your direction “change gear” or “take your foot off the clutch”.

9) It takes you ages to park. It’s a seemingly endless cycle of forward, reverse, up on the kerb, down off the kerb. Sometimes it’s just so bad you have to abandon the space and drive off.

10) And you’ve noticed that people take out camera phones a lot when you’re parking and there is a YouTube video of your parking fails. You’re so bad you went viral.

Caroline Kidd